I was feeling a little pep in my step, but I was feeling pretty lazy.  But, I decided to put my energy to good use and clean up my neglected house.  I was zooming around the house working my butt off, and in record time got the house clean.  All I have left to do is finish dishes and put the laundry away, which I hate doing.  But, it needs done so I’m going to do it.

I got myself prettied up and I think I’m going to curl my hair and take more pictures.  I like looking nice, makes me feel good about myself.  My pictures didn’t come out perfect, but good enough for me to post to facebook and instagram.  I’m going to take pictures of me and Marcus too, because I miss my son and want to have a little keepsake.

I want to draw, but I’m having what my friend called “the artist’s delemia.” I don’t know what I want to draw.  I’m toying with the idea of making a comic book, but I need to further develop my story.  I don’t know what direction I want to go with it.  But I got some ideas floating around the old noggin.

I’m pretty proud of myself for getting as much done as I did because I was feeling lazy but I’m glad I did it.  I feel better knowing the majority of my house is up to par.  I should do more, get some of the upstairs cleaned, but I’m not THAT motivated.  LOL.

I am happy to note, that dispite this little manic rush, I haven’t had really any symptoms for a couple of days.  I had an intrusive thought this morning about Marcus getting cancer, and Ashley having to say good bye to him and I got teary eyed, but then told my brain to shut up because it’s not going to happen.  I don’t know where I come up with these things!  So besides those little “slip ups” i’ve been relatively stable.  I haven’t felt as dissociated or anything either, and haven’t gone catatonic in a while, so that’s all pretty really good.  My depression has subsided for the most part, and I’m feeling better than ever.  YEA FOR RECOVERY!

Normally, for me to feel as relaxed as I do now, I have to take two Xanax.  And I’m still tense.  I’m exhausted, unmotivated, lazy, and a little “medicated”.  I just switched from Xanax to Valium and I feel absolutely amazing.  I’m not tired, at all, and I feel happy, content, relaxed, just amazing.  I don’t feel all groggy, sluggish, and lazy.  I feel on top of the world right now, and I’m loving it.

I didn’t think that it would work this well…..and I’m really surprised by how well it is working for me.  I am a very happy coustomer with this pill.

Normally, I’d be anxious that the house is a little messy, but I’d take a Xanax to calm down and then not feel like doing it because all I wanted to do was lay down.  Now, I’m not bothered by the house and am looking forward to picking it up because it will make me happy.

It’s such a wonderful feeling.  I feel like I have a little bit of control over myself.  I’m not a wreck right now, and my fiance isn’t even home!  How great is that?!  It’s been forever since I’ve felt this content without him here, and although I want him home, I don’t NEED him home; I’m ok right now.

I’m so glad I talked to my pdoc about this pill because it’s doing wonders for me.  And I’m pretty sure I’m only going to need to take it once a day, instead of three or four times a day.  And I feel better, much better, on this.  It’s drawing attention to how much my neck and shoulder hurt, but they’re not hurting as much because I’m not tense.  It feels bruised right now instead of feeling like there’s midgets inside my skin clamping my muscles shut.

So happy!  YEA!

So, the events of the weekend are weighing heavily in my mind, and I am just besides myself with emotion.  I can’t help but feel loved right now, and I want to carry this feeling with me forever.  I never want to go back to feeling unloved and unwanted.  I know it’s me who puts myself into those positions, and I really hope that by now, I get it through my thick skull that he really loves me, really wants to be there for me, and really wants to see me happy–and will do what he can to make me happy.

I’m really thankful for my family and want to see them all today.  I won’t get to see my daughter, but in a few hours I’ll see my son and a couple hours later, my man will get off work.  I want to do something special for them, but I don’t know what it is yet.  It might have to be something silly, like making slushies or smoothies or milkshakes, or treating them to a nice meal.  I want to give them the world right now, but I am out of ideas on how to do that.

I want to be the best me I can be for them.  They’ve all been so wonderful to me, and I know they need me to be my best.  Because they deserve it.  I can’t help but feel a little ashamed at myself for getting as low as I do when I realize now how much I have to be thankful for.

For the times when I haven’t been ok, I’m sorry.  I’ll continue to fight this harder and harder until the dark days are a thing of the past.  I can’t gaurentee that I’ll always feel this way, but I’ll try my best to remember today and how it feels to know that I am loved.  It’s a warm place in my heart right now, and I’m basking in it.

Today was a bittersweet day for me.  Bitter in the fact that 99.9 percent of the people on “my side” of my wedding reception didn’t show up, but sweet because of my man.  He really knows how to make me feel special.  I was balling my eyes out because of the fact that most people weren’t showing up to my party, and how much I missed my mom, and my man just held me and made me feel so complete.

I’m so honored I’m going to be his wife.  I can’t think of anything that would make me happier.  I can’t wait til October 13th, when our lives are officially together…..even if it is just a peice of paper.  Because I know nothing will change.  He will still be the sweet, sensitive, caring, protective, compassionate, loving person I put my rings on for.

A lot of people don’t want to see us together, but I don’t care.  They don’t know the whole story, and to be honest, I don’t need their approval.  All I need is his.

I am on cloud nine right now, and it’s because of him.  He just completes me in every way.  He is my strength, my weakness, my coping mechanism, my love, my better half, almost my everything. I literally don’t know where I’d be without him. He gives me the courage and strength to keep on fighting, and the love to make me feel complete.  He deserves the best I can offer him, and I plan on trying my hardest to make myself a better person for him (and my kids).

Sick of Cleaning….

Posted: September 17, 2014 in Uncategorized

i don’t want to clean anymore, but I have people coming over and I have this need to have my house perfect.  It’s not that it’s that bad, but I still don’t have the energy to do my normal chores, PLUS getting stuff around for when they get here.  I’m making very little headway, and it’s got me a bit in the dumps.  It doesn’t matter, because unless EVERY LITTLE SPEC OF IMPERFECT IS GONE, I’m going to feel like a complete failure.  So, like, why am I setting myself up to fail?  I should just pick the house up like normal, and clean the one room that needs help, that nobody will be going into, and call it done.  But yet I feel the need to wash the counters, three times, because I missed a crumb or something….

I’m so aggravated right now, I’m ready to call the whole thing off.  Why do I ever think it’s a good idea to hold parties or anything?  One, nobody’s going to show up, and two, I’m not going to have the house the way I want it so I’m going to be extra anxious.  I still don’t even know what day I have to have it ready by, and I think that’s the most frustrating thing of all…it could be tomorrow. I know my party is the twenty first, but my grandmother could call tonight and say she wants to stop in tomorrow.

I don’t know what else to do besides keep goals in my planner about what I’m obsessing over.  It seems to be the only thing keeping my head above water right now, is to know that I have a plan for it.  I know that seems really silly, but it’s the truth and we all know I can be kind of silly, right?  Haven’t we accepted that already?

Well, I guess it’s time to go wipe down bookshelves and tabletops, finish dishes, sweep the floors, all that jazz.

I don’t want to.  Someone come help!

As many of you know, I obsess over doing things and when it’s “time” to do them.  I have been trying for a long time to follow a schedule I can do every day, some sort of routine.  Yesterday, I bought a new planner, one that is divided into times.  Normally, I just have a list of things I want to do, and in a little bit of the order I want to do them in.  But I always seem to procrastinate, and not get things done.  I really tried writing a schedule out in times on my own, but I went out and spent twenty dollars on a planner with time slots.

It has helped me soooooo much.  I have accomplished everything yesterday and so far today everything I wanted to do.  It’s been extremely helpful having them broken down into times, because I can realistically say “Yes I can do all of this in an hour” and it forces me to look at the clock and I’m becoming more aware of time.  Normally, hours can go by or minutes and it feels just the same.  But now I’m watching the clock, and I’m getting used to not dissociating during my “down time”.  I’m more inside my body, and focused a little more on the outside world than I am stuck inside my head.

It’s calming my OCD too, because I can see when things are done by the check mark next to them.  If I am like, “Did I take the clothes out of the washer?” I don’t have to get up and go check fifteen times.  I just look at the check mark.  And for some reason, I only have to do that once to remember that’s done.  I haven’t really had to check because I remember marking it off.

It’s also showing me when I plan to clean things, which is a big help.  I normally feel like I have to do everything right now, and I get overwhelmed.  Now, there’s a plan, and I can actually get things done instead of being frozen in anxiety.  And I feel accomplished because no matter how much or little I do, it never seems like it’s enough, and now I can look and say “Yep, I did this and this and this and this”.  

The order I’m doing things in is working out well to, which is another thing.  I’d start doing something, think “I should do this first” and then stop, do something else, and then get distracted again.  I’d spend a lot of time redoing things, and now I can take my time and do it the way I want it done.

I feel like I have a little more control, and I’m happy for that.

I put myself back on my two doses of my OCD medication, and my doctor is just going to have to like it.

It started out with me not being able to drink coffee because I was sure my water was contaminated.   Then, I started gagging on food because the plates were cleaned with the water, and it was just disgusting me.  Then, I had to literally cry myself into the shower to shower because I was sure I was going to get some deathly ill disease from the water.  Every time someone ate or drank or anything from the water, I was petrified, but I kept telling myself, “this is either because your OCD meds are lowered, or your anti psychotic is lowered.”

Today, I rewashed dishes.  I rewashed laundry. I recleaned the litterbox.  I organized trash as I threw it out.  I threw away a can three times because it “wasn’t thrown away right” and something terrible was going to happen because of it.  I spent almost all day trying to clean the house, and I got very little accomplished because I’d start redoing things, then I’d take a break from it to stop.  Then I’d go right back to doing it.

At around seven or eight last night, I started working on my schedule.  I keep a schedule to help me plan out what I’m going to do.  I am extra concerned that I need to do this because extra things need done because I have family coming to visit and I want my house to look good for it.  So I want to make sure I plan out my days.  Then, I decided to go back to my old obsession: Making schedules by times.  I was frustrated, because the week my grandmother is going to be here I don’t know what day she is going to be here, so I can’t plan for it.  So, I decided to make it just for this week.  

Seven days.

It’s five am, and I’ve convinced myself to stop long enough to take my second dose of this pill and try and leave it alone.  I’ve made a mess with paper ripped out from trying to do it that I’m going to have to clean up.   I almost had the living room all the way done.

I am in tears because I’m not making this schedule.  I want to waist ten dollars in gas to go to the store to waste twenty dollars on a planner that has time slots, just so that I can do a schedule on time without obsessing about writing the time frames out.  So that I can com-pulse.  I am NOT going to do that for one simple reason: A would be mad at me.  He’s going to be mad that I stayed up all night doing this; because this is something I used to do all the time.  I thought I was over this but apparently not.   I feel like I’m not going to get my house clean in time, and I’m right because I keep redoing things!  If I would just knock it off it would be so much better, but right now I just feel like my skin is crawling and I have anxiety and a little bit of panic because I don’t have things mapped out by time.

If I decide to do the schedule, I have right now a little over half an hour before I want to start my day.  How am I supposed to get everything clean today on no sleep?  How am I supposed to do extra things around the house, when I’ve made a gigantic mess to clean up, and I keep making schedules instead of actually cleaning?!  It doesn’t make any sense.

OCD doesn’t make any sense!  It’s not logical, and I know it BUT I CAN’T HELP IT.  

Normally, every Monday is a struggle for me because I’m left by my lonesome in the house.  I normally sleep all day.  Well, not today!  I got up with Anthony and made a killer egg, sausage and cheese on toast sandwich for breakfast.  Then I got dressed, and went to the store to get what I forgot to get, and bought myself a little treat: Monster and Stackers (which are energy pills).  I’m currently drinking the Monster, and then I’m going to clean the house.  

I don’t clean on the weekend, so I always have everything to do on Monday.   Today I don’t have laundry because I stayed up and did it last night.  But there are dishes a plenty, and trash to pick up, and then I’ll either work on putting the mountain of clothes away or cleaning out my destroyed makeup room.  If these pills kick in and I feel all gung-ho, I’ll do both!

I’m not going to sit here and cry every damn Monday because I’m alone.  I’m done with it.  I’m going to look at Monday’s as my “super cleaning day” and just try to stay busy all day.  

My meds seem to be working.  I have been having some depression, but it’s nothing I can’t handle yet.  I’m going to ask to be put on something when I see the dr next, but until then, I think I got it.  I might be a little manic today because I took my sleeping pill last night and it always makes me manic (I’m sure the energy suppliments will help with that) but that’s ok because I am NOT going back into town today to spend any more money; no matter how bad I think I need something.  I love to spend money I don’t have when I’m manic.

My obsessions are becoming controllable, even though I find myself in my “contaminated” mindset or the “I-have-to-do-this-or-else-the-world-will-end” but I’ve been doing a lot better with it.

The paranoia and delusions are getting easier to handle, but they’re starting to flare up again because it’s a couple days away from my shot.  But, they’re manageable.  Hallucinations are getting worse, too, but I’m able to tell the difference still, so it’s not like it’s consuming me.  

So all-in-all things are starting to look up. 

 

I stayed up late last night getting my drink on, figuring it’s going to suck getting up at 6am but I can go back to bed when the buss comes at 7:30.  Nope!  Two hour delay.  Of course I woke my son up before I knew that so I get to stay up now.  Surprisingly, I am not that tired, even though I slept for shit.

I kept waking up and walking into the kitchen and not quite sure what I was trying to do.  After about the third time, I made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, figuring maybe I wanted to eat?  Plus the thirty bathroom runs I had to make because I had to pee.  

I didn’t get as drunk as I would have liked, but I did have a good time.  On a good note, there’s some more rum left over so I can drink again – maybe tonight.  I’ll probally save it for the weekend though, when I can sleep in.  I don’t know if I can do little sleep two days in a row.  

This is what I get for bragging about being able to go back to bed to A, who has to work today.  I’m going to make him coffee because I’m sure he’s going to be tired.  And I have to roll ciggarettes, so that he has some for work.  

Still planning on getting a lot done today but I may take a nap if school doesn’t get cancelled.  

My Nanny (grandmother) is coming down to visit and I want my house spotless for when she comes.  The downstairs won’t be much of a problem, because I usually keep on top of it (excluding weekends) but the upstairs is going to be a pain.  I’m going to have to actually do some work around here, instead of just picking up.  I’m going to run into all sorts of problems, because when I take on a major clean my OCD runs rampant, and there’s not really a whole lot to be done about it.  So, I think I’m going to go back to taking my OCD meds twice a day (my doctor won’t care) and get shit done as best as possible.

I’m working on cleaning the mess from the weekend now, and then I’ll be going to work on the upstairs with my son.  He’s such a big help to me; I’m really glad he listens and helps Mommy out.  He’s got such a good heart.  If I tell him I need his help, he’ll be all about it and want to make me proud.  I feel so lucky to have him.

One of the biggest things I’m going to have to start doing is getting everyone to pick up after themselves.  I can’t be going through mess after mess and still manage to get ahead.  We all need to do a better job of doing simple things; like throwing things away and putting our plates in the sink, that will really really help me out.  I feel bad for asking them to do it, not the kids but A because he works hard all day, so maybe I’ll be cleaning up the messes as they happen to save me from my morning routines.  

I have a lot of work ahead of me but I think if I stick with it I will more than get it done in time. I’ve got twenty days–that’s plenty of enough time.  Let’s just hope I don’t get depressed and can’t function between now and then.  Twenty days is a long time to go without having an episode for me.  So if I do have one, I’m going to try my best to bounce back as quickly as possible so I don’t screw myself with getting things ready.  I’d like to have it done with plenty of time to spare so I’m not freaking out about it later.

Here’s to not procrastinating!